inarticulation

My Human Geography AP exam is tomorrow. And then I’m finished– done with APs. Forever.

I should be studying, yet I’m not.

All I can think of is the Sichuan Earthquake and the rising death toll, the haunting images of jutted limbs beneath masses of rubble and how I wish I could help in some way, and contemplate the possibility of starting a fundraiser at school which leads to petty thoughts like could  I handle the responsibilities when I’m all ready burnt out?

(I’m so ready to escape the clutches of academia until college. Classes have taken on a sort of monotonicity that makes me dread busywork and have me wish the 21 school days left of this year will go by faster.)

I think of how selfish I am, when I read all the articles I can get my hands on concerning the earthquake and feel my heart ache, feeling both guilty, ashamed, and relieved that my family were unaffected in Fuzhou.

I think of my mother in New York City with my grandmother in the hospital (and how I should really call my mom and ask her about her day). I think of how stupid I am for accidentally deleting the last twenty five comments on my blog when I was trying to mark something as spam.  Go me.

But back to the earthquake, back to the disaster– every article I read makes me tear up and rage, cursing the internet for allowing some of the hurtful comments that make me shake with anger. Talk about human rights violation, the Beijing Olympics, Tibet, and China “getting what it deserves” have no place here when people are dying and many are just watching, criticizing the government.  And I wonder if I’m suddenly turning all nationalistic these past few weeks or if it’s justified rage against humanity in general.

So I while should be studying for my AP Human Geography exam, even if I’m sure I’ll get a 5 on it, but I’m not because when it all comes down to it– there are far more important things in the world and studying for an exam is so inconsequential.

And now I wonder if there’s any chance of asking my Chinese teacher or Mrs. Rumney about fundraising for the Earthquake and if there’s enough money in my meager bank account to donate anything, anything at all.