quotes to live by

From Friends/Real Life

Zoe: I got asked, ten minutes into my shift at work, whether I’d seen a bag with a crab in it anywhere in the store. Doesn’t that just revitalize your faith in life’s awesomeness?

Me: Well, at least… that’s what I told Zoe.

Kish: …

Me: Facts are relative, right?

Mrs. PB: Does anyone else have a connection with another ethnicity or culture?
Sebastian: Well… I’m not Japanese.

Tiffany:*OUT OF FUCKING LEFT FIELD* Just wondering, but how do mermaids mate?
Me: *laughs nervously* HAHAHAHAHA. *TURNS AROUND, DOES NOT ANSWER QUESTION*

Eva: Stacy, you can’t expect to eat cafeteria food and expect it to be edible. :|

*Tiffany reading over my shoulder*
Me: I think you can read faster than I can now.
Tiffany: Uh, no, I just skip parts that aren’t interesting.
Me: … Like descriptions and plot?
Tiffany: Pretty much.

From Comics
Calvin and Hobbes

Calvin: You can’t just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood.

Hobbes: What mood is that?

Calvin: Last minute panic.

Calvin: Yeah? Well you remember what you said, because in a day or two, I’ll have witty and blistering retort! You’ll be devastated then, I promise!

Calvin: Getting an inch of snow is like winning ten cents in the lottery.

Calvin: *after writing down the correct answer on a test, writes a note to his teacher* As you can see, I’ve memorized this utterly useless fact long enough to pass a test question. I now intend to forget it forever. You’ve taught me nothing except now to cynically manipulate the system. Congratulations.

From Comedians

Lewis Black

It’s ridiculous that we still have a hole in the ozone layer. We have men, we have rockets, we have Saran Wrap. FIX IT!! And don’t come back until you do.
Margaret Cho
It was hard for me to do the show (All American Girl) because a lot of people didn’t even understand the concept of Asian-American. I was on a morning show, and the host said, ‘Awright, Margaret, we’re changing over to an ABC affiliate! So why don’t you tell our viewers in your native language that we’re making that transition?’ So I looked at the camera and said, ‘Um, they’re changing over to an ABC affiliate.’

This is a very strange time we’re living in, … and I would feel a little bit better if George W. Bush could say the word “nuclear” correctly…You would have thought somebody would have said something by now. At the very least, Condoleezza Rice would have got up in his face, “Foo’, it’s NU-CLE-AR! Imma have’ta write it down fo’ya! …I’m makin’ flash cards for the President. This is…*shaking her head* mm-mmmm.”

Russell Peters

I don’t create stereotypes. I just see them.

Chinese people and Indian people cannot do business together because Indian people can’t get along without a bargain, and Chinese people cannot give you a bargain. Their objective is to get every penny from you. And ours is to keep every penny. There’s a really bad power struggle there. I went to this Chinese mall. Some of you may know it - Pacific Mall. That’s the wrong place for an Indian guy to go. I saw this bag; I want to buy this bag, I go to the Chinese guy behind the counter, ‘How much?’ He goes, [(In a Chinese accent)] ‘Thirty-five dollars.’ ‘Um, How ’bout thirty?’ And Chinese people will never tell you no. They’ll tell you “no,” the longest “no” you heard in your life, like you just said the most ridiculous thing they ever heard in their life. ‘I’ll give you thirty.’ [(In a Chinese accent)] ‘No-oooo. No-oooo. I can’t do thirty dollars. I sell you thirty dollars today tomorrow you come I close down.’…[(In a Chinese accent)] ‘Ok. You seem like nice guy. I give you best price. Thirty-four fifty.’ I’m like, ‘That’s fifty cents, man.’ [(In a Chinese accent)] ‘Fifty cents is a lot of money. You save fifty cents here then maybe you go somewhere else and you save another fifty cents, then you have one dollar. Then you take your dollar, you go to the dollar store, you buy something else.’

Russell Peters: Can you imagine if that Chinese girl and I got married? Can you imagine that wedding? Can you imagine how much RICE we’d have at the wedding? No would be allowed to throw it at the bride and groom our parents would be like [accent] “What the hell are you doing?! Don’t wasting the food! I told you not to invite white people to the wedding. They throw the bloody food around. Let’s go to THEIR weddings and throw mashed potatoes at them!” [/accent]

Russell Peters: You know what the Indian accent is good for? Cutting tension. Your honor, my client…[accent kicks in] vood like to plead NOT GUILTY! :D :D

From TV Shows

Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart: Finally, the moment we’ve all been waiting for — the official halfway point of the Bush presidency.
President Bush: “I George Walker Bush do solemnly swear…”
Jon Stewart: At which point 49 percent of the country also solemnly swore.

Jon Stewart: This is what happens when you take away Napster. (Regarding an increase in college crime rates.)

Stephen Colbert: *after Geraldo Rivera and Bill O’Reilly criticised the show* What are you implying Jon? That O’Reilly and Geraldo are narcissists enthralled in their own overblown egos - projecting their own petty insecurities on to the world around them, inventing false enemies for the sole purpose of bolstering their sense of self-importance, itty bitty Nixons minus the relevance or a hint of vision? How dare you?!

House, MD

Dr. Roger Spain (First Applicant): Wow, I thought you’d be the last person to have a problem with nonconformity.
Dr. Gregory House: Nonconformity; right… I can’t remember the last time saw a twenty something kid with a tattoo of an Asian letter on his wrist. You are one wicked free thinker! You want to be a rebel; stop being cool. Wear a pocket protector like he does, and get a hair cut. Like the Asian kids that don’t leave the library for a twenty hours stretch. They’re the ones that don’t care what you think.
[pause]
Dr. Gregory House: Sayonara.
[Dr. Spain exits office]
Dr. Wilson: So, should I go through all the resumes looking for Asian names?
Dr. Gregory House: Actually, the Asian kids are probably just responding to parental pressure, but my point is still valid.

Dr. Foreman: [writing on board] Heart failure could be either infection, coronary disease, or rejection.
Dr. House: [taking marker away from Foreman] Sorry, there’s a reason they call it the white board. It’s not my rule. What ties both these conditions together?
[Everyone stares blankly at each other]
Dr. Foreman: Okay, we can all stare at each other, or we can investigate what caused the heart failure— just the heart failure. You wanna give me that black marker?
[House reluctantly gives back the marker]

House: If you talk to God, you’re religious. If God talks to you, you’re psychotic.

Rodney Foreman: My son says you’re a manipulative bastard.
Dr. House: It’s just a pet name. I call him “Dr. Bling”.

Dr. Cuddy: Do you have anything to add to this debate?
Dr. House: Wilson’s right, Foreman’s wrong, your shirt is way too revealing for the office.

Hua Yang Shao Nian Shao Nu

Da Shu: He’s faster than my friend who can fly!

From Movies/Documentaries

Bend it Like Beckham

Jules: Mother, just because I wear trackies and play sports DOES NOT MAKE ME A LESBIAN!
Grizzly Man

Tim Treadwell: I want rain. I want, if there’s a God, to kick some ass down here. Let’s have some water! Jesus boy! Let’s have some water! Christ man or Allah or Hindu floaty thing! Let’s have some fucking water for these animals!

Tim Treadwell: *after it started raining* I am the Lord’s humble servant. I am Allah’s disciple. I am the Floaty Thing’s go-for boy. There has been a miracle here. There has been an absolute miracle. It has rained 1.65 inches of rain today!

Monty Python and the Holy Grail

God: Every time I try to talk to someone it’s “sorry this” and “forgive me that” and “I’m not worthy”…

Dennis: Oh, but you can’t expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you.

Love Actually

Prime Minister: I love that word “relationship”. Covers all manner of sins, doesn’t it? I fear that this has become a bad relationship. A relationship based on the President taking exactly what he wants and casually ignoring all those things that really matter to, erm… Britain. We may be a small country but we’re a great one, too. The country of Shakespeare, Churchill, the Beatles, Sean Connery, Harry Potter. David Beckham’s right foot. David Beckham’s left foot, come to that. And a friend who bullies us is no longer a friend. And since bullies only respond to strength, from now onward, I will be prepared to be much stronger. And the President should be prepared for that.

The Dead Poet Society

Mr. Keating: Carpe, carpe diem! Seize the day, boys! Make your lives extraordinary.

The Princess Bride

Inigo: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

Robin Hood: Men in Tights

Prince John: And why should the people listen to you?

Robin Hood: Because, unlike some other Robin Hoods, I can speak with an English accent.

From Writers/Books

Judy Carter
Pronouns make it hard to keep our sexual orientation a secret when our co-workers ask us about our weekend. “I had a great time with… them.” Great! Now they don’t think you’re queer - just a big slut!

Dorothy Parker

Brevity is the soul of lingerie.

Time doth flit; oh shit.

I don’t care what is written about me so long as it isn’t true.

Oscar Wilde

If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they’ll kill you.

James D. Nicoll

The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don’t just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary.

Misc.

Capitalization is an important aspect of grammar. For example you could mean “I was helping my Uncle Jack off a horse” but instead type “I was helping my uncle jack off a horse”.

“The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don’t just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary.”
–James D. Nicoll